Cáca Milis
by Graciekit99
Summary: Thranduil only wanted to read his book but annoying blind man was really ruining the mood. A cáca milis AU of the hobbit. *Don't take seriously *


**_After watching Cáca Milis (Cake) one too many times now in Irish, I've thought of the weirds au. So I present to you a parody or tragedy of the hobbit cáca milis AU. For anyone who hasn't watched cáca milis I only recommend if you have a strong stomach._**

Thranduil sat in the driver seat of his car drumming his fingers on the steering wheel with a grumbling wizard beside him.

"Why isn't he here yet? Is he coming?"

"He'll be here soon

"He not coming, we may as well just go home." Complained the grey-haired wizard.

"Gandalf, you must have patience. He will come and we will wait."

"But I need the toilet. We must go back."

The elf sighed loudly when someone knocked on the car window. He turned around and opened the door before greeting Elrond. The two spoke in whispers so Gandalf couldn't hear.

"He's being a bother this morning. Take care." Before the blond haired elf left Gandalf grabbed the other's coat.

"You'll be home for tea, won't you?" the wizard asked.

Of course, I will. You will be fine. Now goodbye."

Thranduil walked away without looking back at the old man or Elrond. He walked through the gates of the train station with a book in his hand. When gets sat on the train, he picks a window seat and starts to read. It was a 'romance' book someone had recommend to him at work. He glances up and sees a strange man walking up to the train. A muffled announcement is made on the intercom.

As the train takes off the strange man opens the carriage door with a struggle. Using his cane he walks up the carriage and stops at Thranduil's booth, dropping a brown package as he hauls a large bag into the overhead compartment. He picks the package up and hands it to the blind man.

"Here, you dropped this." The other man almost hit the elf's head when putting his cane earning a look of discrete from Thranduil. He knew that this was going to be a long train ride.

The man sat down across from him and proceed to fix his coat and shuffle his feet which hit off Thranduil's under the table. The blond noted that he was breathing heavily like after running a distance. Then he took out an inhaler and took few poofs. The elf tried to continue reading.

"Are you going far?" the man asked. "I'm going the whole way. Off on my holidays, you see."

Thranduil continued to ignore him while he talked about the weather and then started to fiddle at the brown package loudly. The man pulled out a large pink slice of cake from the package then folded the paper into a small square, shoving it into his pocket.

"Has the tea and coffee been around yet?"

"No." the elf briskly replied.

"I'll want some with my cake. What colour is it?"

"What?" Thranduil looked up with a look of annoyance. All he wanted to do was read. "It's pink."

The man sighed in relief. "Oh good, that's what I asked for. Sometimes they trick me. Too bad the coffee isn't here." He looked around then asked, "Do you want any coffee?"

"No"

"Oh, I was just thinking you'd be able to bring me back a cup. It's hard for me to get down there. I don't like walking on trains." There were a few moments of silence with only the man's heavy breathing to be heard.

"Are you off on holidays?"

"No." Yet again the man continued to talk with Thranduil not listening about his childhood holidays. The elf loudly turned the page of his book to indicate he was reading.

"Oh you're reading, what are you reading?"

"I'm trying to. It's a love story." Thranduil replied with a forced smile.

"Oh, a love story. I haven't had any in a while. I've had asthma since I was six, the worse case says the doctor. Even got put on the radio it is that bad." He continued to talk about his proud moment while the blond rolled his eyes then glared across.

"I'm going to read now" Thranduil stated.

"Say I was a great man for the chat with or without asthma. I love going on holidays." He moved his feet again. "I know this route off by heart thanks to Bard the ticket man. He'd tell me what was outside the window. Go on, ask me what's outside the window."

Thranduil looks out the window at a yard of wood freshly cut before asking what was outside.

"Well, there was a big bay the across the river now there is a sawmill right outside with men working hard." The man starts to wiz. However, Thranduil looks over toward the door to a painting of a lake.

"What about the lake?"

"What lake! There is no lake." The man started to look flustered,

"The big huge lake outside the window. We just past it. It even had boats." Thranduil looked on as the man continued to deny the existence of a lake and get wound up. His breathing became more labored as he struggled to find his inhaler.

The sense was broken by the entrance of the trolley boy pushing his cart along the almost empty carriage apart from one other occupant sleeping at the back. The hobbit stopped at the pair and looked up.

"Would you like anything? Tea or coffee?" Thranduil looked down at the small hobbit.

"A cup of coffee for this man." He gestured to the man across from him.

"Sugar, lots of it. How many is there?"

"Three."

The man grumbled and said it wasn't enough then asked for more. He handed the money over to the hobbit. He asks Thranduil to put the sugar in but is ignored. The man successfully puts one sugar in but the others end up all over the table.

"I don't get it. A huge lake?" He slurps his tea loudly then starts to pick apart the cake. Thranduil is disgusted as the man shoves more in and doesn't close his mouth. He tries to look out the window but is met with a view of a graveyard. The man's face is covered in pink icing and crumbs. To make things worse he adds more tea into this.

"Would you like some?"

"No thank you, I'm fine," Thranduil replied.

"I'll finish it later." He rapped the cake back up. "They always give me too much. Say's all the girls will come after me." He takes the cake out again and started to eat again.

Thranduil thinks for a moment before speaking "There is a worm in the cake."

"A worm? Where?" the man asked.

"In your cake."

In my cake? Oh shit, how can this be?"

"I'd say it was always there. It's sort of pink. Must have been. Oh my, it has a bite taken out of it."

"Bitten?"

"You must have eaten it." Thranduil faked concern in his voice as the man spit out the cake into his cup of tea.

"I couldn't have! It didn't taste funny."

"But it wouldn't have if it ate enough of the cake."

"Is it dangerous? Damn, where is my inhaler?" As he panics an reaches around blindly on the table for the inhaler, Thranduil moves it out of his reach.

"Give it back. Give me my inhaler!" the man panted reaching towards Thranduil. He swipes everything off the table while struggling to breathe.

Thranduil gently places it on the table then grabbed his things and stood up to leave. Without looking back he left the train carriage. The man slowly sunk into the chair just inches away from the inhaler however it was too late and he breathes his last breath.

The train just pulled into the station and Thranduil got off to continue on with his day. The train pulls off and disappears around the bend.

There was no worm.

 ** _Well, that happened. I will be translating this into Irish but I'm not the best at Irish even though I have spent 14 years learning it. Ireland really cannot teach Irish._**


End file.
